


Mistakes Were Made

by jesuiscalmedammit



Category: Call of Duty (Video Games)
Genre: AU(ish), Black Ops Cold War, F/M, fem!Bell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:42:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27646337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesuiscalmedammit/pseuds/jesuiscalmedammit
Summary: Having romantic feelings for Bell was a mistake. Finding out a series of unfortunate events lead to an even bigger mistake wasn't good either. But losing Bell because of this mistake was something Russell didn't want to happen.(fem!Bell)
Relationships: Alex Mason/Bell, Alex Mason/Original Female Character(s), Russell Adler/Bell, Russell Adler/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 108





	1. Lovesick

“Hey, Bell, what’s wrong?”

When he saw you sitting on the kitchen floor with your head between your knees, Russell began to worry. Was it a side effect of the procedure? Did it mean it wasn’t working properly? And what was more important, was your life in danger? As he knelt down next to you, he put his hand on your back and waited to finally hear what was happening to you.

It took you another minute to realize he was there, but when you did, you looked at him with tears in your eyes. “My head is killing me. And it’s not the first time. But–but I’m kind of scared of going to the hospital because what if it’s the symptom of something serious?”

“I’m sure everything’s fine and there’s a good explanation,” he tried to calm you down, although he was now certain it was a side effect of what they had done to you. The best he could do now was getting you some painkillers so he went to the bathroom to get them along with a glass of water. “Here, take these,” Russell said as he gave them to you.

At first you hesitated, but then you flashed a thankful smile at him. He began to wonder if this could get any worse once you were under a lot of pressure during the mission. That would cause quite a lot of trouble for the team and he didn’t want you to suffer either. Deep down he knew caring so much about you was a mistake, after all you were just a tool to find Perseus. Yes, that’s what you were: a disposable tool.

Yet…

Yet he could barely get you out of his mind. Making sure your fake memories felt as real as possible, he needed to earn your trust. He needed you to believe you were old friends so he spent a lot of time in your company. And this eventually resulted in him taking a liking to you. Which meant you were now one of the first things he thought of in the morning and the last one before he went to sleep at night.

“I think it’s my turn to ask,” you suddenly spoke up, snapping him out of his thoughts. “What’s wrong, Russ?”

What the hell was he supposed to say to this? That he was slowly but surely falling in love with you even though he knew perfectly well at the end of this mission you would have to die? What’s worse, if it came down to it, it would be him who would have to pull the trigger. Not Sims. Not Park. Not Lazar. Not even Mason or Woods. _Him_. He simply couldn’t let himself love someone he would have to kill eventually. Letting out a sigh, he did the only thing he could do in this situation: lie and pretend everything was perfectly fine.

“It’s nothing, you just scared me for a moment,” Russell said in the end.

Heavy silence followed his words but it was clear as day you were thinking about something. Should he ask you about it? Well, no, probably shouldn’t. If it was something you wanted him to know, you would surely tell him. But then you suddenly decided to stand up, although you were still too weak to do it without help. As he wrapped an arm around your waist to support you, he gave you a questioning look.

Once you cleared your throat, you said, “I think I should go home and get some sleep.”

“Nonsense, stay here and you can have my bed. I’ll sleep on the couch.” _But it would be nice to sleep next to you_ , he thought. Shaking his head to get rid of this thought, he began to lead you to the bedroom. “The last thing I need is you fainting on the way home,” he quietly noted.

“You don’t have to sleep on the couch, though,” you said as you sat on his bed then crawled under the blanket. “We’re adults. And I’m sure you would make a comfy pillow.”

Sharing a bed with her? When she was planning to use him as a pillow? No, that wasn’t a good idea. He wasn’t sure he could survive the night without pulling you close and kissing you at least once. But he had to keep in mind what you were: a tool to catch Perseus. Yes, that was all. He didn’t have the luxury of thinking about you in any other way. No matter how adorably you looked as you made yourself comfortable in his bed.

Clearing his throat, he said, “I still have to make a few calls and I don’t want to wake you up so I’ll stick to the couch. Goodnight, Bell.”


	2. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the feedback! The previous chapter took place before Bell's first mission. The first half of this one happened before the end game (telling the truth version). The second half is gonna be obvious. Also, I clarified that this is a fem!Bell story.

“Hey, you wanna talk about what happened?”

You looked up only to find Alex sitting next to you with a surprisingly genuine smile. But what could you tell him? Even you didn’t know how to feel about this whole mess you were in. You had told Russell the truth back in the safehouse and you were ready to help but… what would happen after that? Was there a chance you could ever have a normal life? It was confusing. Also, it’s not like he would understand what you went through.

Shaking your head, you eventually let out a sigh. “No, not really,” you told him.

“I know what being brainwashed and used like this feels like.” How the hell did he know you were just thinking about that? But you didn’t really get it. How would he know? “The Russians did the same thing to me a long time ago,” he answered the question you never asked.

This was new. And the more you thought about it, the less you understood why he was still willing to do this job after going through something like this. “Did Russell tell you that there had been no need for them to do this to me? I was already–No, I was always on your side.” He raised an eyebrow and slightly tilted his head to the side as he tried to figure out what that meant. “I was always working for the CIA. Things just… didn’t end well for me. It’s a long story.”

“We have time. I’m listening.”

You looked around to see if anyone else from the group was listening, but you were alone. Woods was the only one who glanced in your way every now and then, probably just to check on Alex, but apart from that, no one really cared about you. “All right, fine. I was born in Eastern Europe, that’s true, but my parents came to the United States as political refugees when I was around two so I grew up there. When I was in college my parents died in a car accident caused by some idiot who sat behind the wheel while being so drunk he could barely walk.

A few days later Timothy Clarkson from the CIA contacted me and explained the drunk guy was actually working for the KGB and killed my parents for the very reason they had fled their home country back in the day. He believed they might try to kill or recruit me after what happened and if it was the latter, they would blame the Americans and their lifestyle for my parents’ death to convince me to join them. Clarkson offered a chance to get revenge by becoming a double agent.

He and Henry Keen were the only ones who knew about this deal, about me, and there was no physical evidence either. After a while, I ended up working with Perseus and everything went well until Adler and his team captured me. Little did I know that not long before this Clarkson had been murdered on Perseus’ orders and Keen was left in a coma after a failed assassination. Long story short, there was no living or at least a conscious person who knew about my story.

When Adler interrogated me, I immediately told him I’m only willing to talk to Clarkson or Keen. Clarkson had given me a very clear order at the beginning and that was never to tell anyone who I was or what I know except them. He didn’t trust anyone, not even inside the CIA. This is why when Adler told me what happened to them, I assumed he was lying to make me talk so I kept everything to myself.

I didn’t think they would end up brainwashing me,” you noted with a sad smile. “And I sure as hell didn’t expect Russell to emotionally manipulate me like this only to make me behave.”

* * *

“Wait, don’t shoot! Hudson got a call and they verified her story!”

You wanted to lower your gun and let out a relieved sigh upon hearing Alex’s words, but you also knew now that blindly trusting Russell was not an option. He would surely pull the trigger the moment you paid less than enough attention to the situation. There was no way you would risk dying now that you got so close to being free again. This double life you’d been living had already taken away way too much from you.

Maybe you remembered this deep down even while you were brainwashed and controlled, this is why you were so desperate to have something remotely normal in your life. Normal… like… being in a relationship. You craved the feeling of being loved and protected and for your bad luck, Russell was there to use this against you. How the hell could you fall for him?

“So she was telling the truth?” Russell asked as he finally lowered his gun.

 _Yes, dipshit!_ God, you were, without doubt, spending way too much time in Wood’s company. Good thing you didn’t say it out loud otherwise you’d never hear the end of it.

Alex nodded. “Yeah,” he said as he walked over to you and put his hand on your gun. “Come on, it’s time to go home.” He even flashed a cautious yet reassuring smile at you as he took the weapon from your hand and put it away safely.

Alex had told you he was brainwashed by the Russians before and this was enough to make you trust him. He knew what you went through and so he was probably the only person who understood how you felt now. You needed this, you needed someone who could help you get over this nightmare.

“Bell, wait!”

“Adler, I don’t think this is the right time for that,” Alex stopped him before you could react. “Believe me.”

But he didn’t seem to give up because he once again opened his mouth. This time you didn’t wait for Alex, you handled it yourself. “There’s nothing to talk about, you almost killed me. I know this was a fucked-up situation but at least Hudson did his fucking job to try and verify my story.”

“Well, to be honest, I was the one who tracked down Keen,” Alex admitted as he scratched the back of his neck. “But sure, let Hudson take all the credit.”

Both you and Russell gave him a disapproving look. This wasn’t the right time to make such jokes. Even if he was only trying to elevate the mood, this wasn’t the right way to do it. Of course, it didn’t mean you weren’t grateful because you truly felt saved by him. Still…

“Can we just go?” you asked in the end.

“Sure, come with me,” he said as he put a hand on your shoulder.

You didn’t have to look in his way to know Adler wasn’t happy to watch you leave. But what was he expecting after this madness? Yes, at the end of the day it really was a series of unfortunate events that led to this, but he could’ve tried a bit harder to make sure you were lying before pointing a gun at you.


	3. Going Home

Someone was talking. This sound made you wake up, although your brain didn’t sound the alarm. It was a nice voice, one your mind liked for some reason. It took you a minute or two to realize it was Alex talking to someone on the phone at the other side of the hotel room. Right. You’d spent the night together. This is why you were there with him. A small smile crept on your lips at the thought as you buried your head deeper into the pillow.

“No, no, she’s fine and we’ll be there on time. You shouldn’t worry… Oh, come on, I’ve known you for ages, I know you’re–I have to go, see you there.”

Once you sat up in bed, you stretched your arms above your head and watched Alex put down the phone. “Let me guess: Woods is worried I ate you for breakfast,” you suggested with a playful smile. “But I’ll admit, I’m kinda hungry.”

“For food?” Even though you started laughing, you still threw a pillow at him. But he wasn’t wrong. Neither of you slept much the night before but you still didn’t feel like you’d had enough of him just yet. “I knew it. I knew you wanted more,” he said while he walked over to you and sat on the edge of the bed. “Well, we still have over an hour to get there so…”

Over an hour? “We have to get ready, pack some stuff, and get there. This isn’t enough time if you ask me.”

Alex’s lips curled into a smirk before he slowly leaned down to kiss you. This is all he had to do to put you under his spell again. “It’s more than enough if you know what you’re doing.” As he ran his hand up your thigh, you couldn’t help but bite on your lower lip. What the hell was he doing to you? It wasn’t fair. “See?” he asked with a laugh.

You hated it. You hated that you loved every second of this, but you couldn’t help yourself. At the moment even the fact he was married didn’t bother you as much as it normally would. Alex was good at this game and he knew it perfectly well. The two of you would have fun, but once the plane lands in the States, he would immediately go home to his family in Alaska, and that was fine. Right now you needed nothing more but a distraction, someone who could help you forget.

Back home things would drastically change for you anyway. Keen had made sure you could get into witness protection which wasn’t the perfect solution but it could still give you a chance to start a new life. A normal life you’d been itching for. And if the Russians found you? Well, you would worry about that when it happened.

Three hours later the entire team was at the airport in West Berlin, everyone following the role assigned to them at the safehouse. Russell had tried to rig the game and make sure you were traveling together, but Alex objected and with the help of Woods he convinced the man to change his mind. In the end, you and Hudson were paired together for the trip but that was okay with you. While you waited to board your flight, you couldn’t help but glance in Alex and Woods’ direction who were having fun on their own. Good thing they were such good friends because it was so obvious no one would have questioned their intentions.

“You can’t avoid me forever, you know,” Russell pointed out as he sat down next to you.

He had waited until Hudson left to buy a magazine or something because he was getting bored then took this opportunity to talk to you even though you had already made it clear you weren’t interested. “We had a plan for a reason, what are you doing here?” you asked coldly.

“Well, Hudson plays your fiancé so if anyone gets suspicious, we’ll say I saw the opportunity and came here to steal you from him,” he added with a smile which disappeared the moment he realized you didn’t find it funny at all. “We really need to talk. Please.”

Who knew, maybe getting this conversation over with was for the best. “Fine, but make it quick. Real quick.”

He let out an annoyed groan but didn’t complain. When he took a look around and made sure no one was listening to your conversation, Russell took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t make it okay, but it’s a start, isn’t it? Listen, I was only doing my job, it wasn’t personal. And… what happened between us wasn’t a part of the plan. It was real. Can you believe me?”

“I don’t care if it was real or not. You manipulated me and… God, just leave me alone.”

“Bell, please, let’s go out for dinner or something when we get back to the States. Whatever you want, just give me a chance to explain things,” he tried again, almost making you feel sorry for him.

Almost. You weren’t stupid, he didn’t regret anything, maybe only fucking up this badly. This was all a lie and you didn’t want to listen to him anymore. But before you could tell him to get lost, Hudson finally returned and immediately picked up his role as your fiancé.

“Can I help you?”

Russell jumped up and flashed a polite smile at the fellow CIA agent. “Oh, I just noticed she was alone and wanted to make sure she was okay.”

“Well, thank you, but I’m back so you can leave,” he told him sternly.

And the hero of the day award went to Jason Hudson for this excellent performance because Russell apologized and left right away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and with the next chapter we’re back to russell’s pov and a looooooooot of angst.


	4. Suffering

Hatred. Hatred was the only thing he felt whenever he thought about this last mission. It wasn't you he hated, of course, nor was the mission itself. No, Russell hated himself.

They were in the middle of a war, everybody did what they had to for victory, and so when the two people who could have verified your story according to you were either dead or in a coma, he decided to move on to the next step. He didn't want to waste precious time on chasing ghosts to find anyone who could know about your existence. Brainwashing you wasn't easy or fast, but if it was done right, it was quite effective. All he had to do after that was keeping you in line and guiding you until you could finally tell him everything he wanted to know.

What he wasn’t expecting was getting so close to you emotionally. But you slowly got under his skin and eventually he lost the ability to control himself around you. One compliment followed another, delicate touches became more and more frequent, and one days he even kissed you. Sure, for the sake of the mission he said it was a mistake, but in reality, it wasn’t. He loved you. he loved you and it made everything he had done a lot worse.

That’s why having to point a gun at you and pulling the trigger was an almost traumatic event in retrospect. He could have asked someone to do it instead of him but… it had to be him. After what he had done, suffering was the price he had to pay. And when he found out you were innocent and had been telling the truth all along, it completely drained him emotionally.

A part of him was happy and relieved because now he knew you would be safe and okay, and maybe the two of you could even be together properly, like a normal couple. But he had a rational side telling him it was impossible. How could you trust him even again after everything that happened? He couldn’t even blame you for that.

When he saw you and Alex enter the safehouse together, and he even overheard some of the teasing jokes and comments Frank told his friend, a sudden feeling of jealousy filled his mind. So you’d been together last night? This was bad. Then again, he was married so it couldn’t be serious. Still, it hurt like hell.

This was when he realized the two of you had to talk about your… whatever it was you used to have. Hudson had told him about witness protection while they were waiting and he knew if these things weren’t sorted out soon, he would lose you forever. There was not a single cell in his body that wanted to let this happen. He needed you. As selfish as it was, he needed you by his side.

He tried to convince Hudson to pair him with you for the way home, but Alex and even Frank jumped down his throat so he had no choice but to retreat for now. He could still try at the airport here or in the States. But at the airport in West Berlin it became clear you were really mad at him. This meant he had several hours to figure out what to do and how to convince you to change your mind. That would be his very last chance, he had to be smart about it.

Back in the States the remaining members of the group said their goodbyes and everybody was ready to head home. Only Hudson and you were planning to leave together to take care of everything before you entered witness protection, but he couldn’t let that happen, not yet. Somehow he managed to convince Hudson to give him a chance, although this was only step one. Step two was much harder.

“Bell, look, I know you don’t want to see me and that’s understandable. But I need to talk to you about something before you leave for good,” he began desperately once he made sure the two of you were alone. “Please, just listen to me once. That’s all I’m asking for, and if you still don’t want to see me again, I’ll accept that.”

You remained silent. Too silent. His skin began to itch as he got a feeling you’d simply turn around and leave him there without a word. But then you spoke up, even if your voice was cold as ice. “Okay, fine, let’s get this over with.”

A small, barely visible smile crept on his lips upon hearing this. “Thank you. So… did you sleep with Alex?” What? How the fuck could he ask you that first? “I mean, it’s none of my business, you don’t have to answer,” he added, trying to save the conversation.

“And what if I did?”

Damn it. He already knew this would be the answer but he still wasn’t ready to hear it. “Nothing, it’s your life and decision,” Russell quickly pointed out. “Listen, when we got close after… _that_ , when I kissed you, that was real, I wasn’t faking it. I know you don’t want to believe me now, but I’m telling the truth. You don’t have to enter witness protection right away because I can protect you. I won’t act like I did nothing wrong, all I want is a fresh start with you. Let me prove I mean it.”

“You’re manipulating me again,” you said quietly.

“No, if I was trying to manipulate you, I would kiss you now. But I won’t, only if you want it too.”

More silence. What were you thinking about? Why couldn’t he read your face at all? It had been so easy before because he always knew how you felt. But now it seemed like it was impossible to read you. Just when he was about to speak up again, you suddenly walked away, heading straight to Hudson. This was a clear answer. You weren’t interested. Even though he understood your decision and was ready to accept it, a part of him wanted to use drastic methods, even going as far as begging if he had to. Would you stay then?

But it was now time to admit defeat, and the only thing Russell could do was going home and getting some sleep. Or get drunk. Or get drunk and then go to sleep. Letting out a sigh, he waved to Hudson then left the two of you there. He wasn’t interested in watching you leave again.

“Hey, who the hell will protect me if you leave?” He came to abrupt halt and slowly turned around. You were standing right there in front of him with your suitcase, giving him an almost scolding look. “I’m giving you one chance and exactly one week. That’s all you have to convince me.”

“That’s enough. Thank you,” he said quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “it ain’t much but it’s honest work.” this was a quick update but don’t get used to it lol. was it even any good? did it make sense? i don’t know anymore. what i know is that i love angst so much! and i love you all for the feedback too ❤ (one more thing: i know i use first names when i write from russell’s pov but hudson is an exception. why? i like to think even his family calls him hudson. i don’t know why 😁)


	5. Playing Nice

Russell couldn’t remember the last time he was so nervous. And his job was dangerous, his life was on the line every single time, and there had been several occasions when he almost died. Yet this was one of the most terrifying things he had ever done. Every little movement of yours, every single word you said scared him. What if you decide to leave all of a sudden before you could talk properly?

But this was a risk he had to take no matter what. You had to sort things out in time and you gave him one week to do that. Seven days weren’t much. He had to be clever about how he would use that time. The trip to his home passed mostly in uncomfortable silence since neither of you knew what to say. And when you reached your destination, things didn’t get much better.

“Is this your real apartment or just another fake home to trick me?” you asked half-jokingly while he opened the door.

He couldn’t help but let out a nervous laugh before he stepped aside so you could walk inside first. “It’s the real one, I promise.” Once Russell stopped in the living room, he put down his duffel bag and pointed at the other end of the apartment. “There’s a guest room at the end of the hallway, it’s all yours.”

Even though he expected you to head straight there, you remained perfectly still. Seconds passed before you finally moved again and turned to look at him. “Can I ask you something?” you spoke up uncertainly.

“Sure.”

Clearing your throat, you followed him to the kitchen and watched as he poured a glass of water for himself. “Why do you have such a big apartment if you’re barely home and live alone?”

“I inherited it a few years ago,” came his short answer right away.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“Don’t worry, it’s okay.”

He then picked up his bag and went to put it in his bedroom, although this was only his way of building some distance to think about what to do next. Whenever he felt your eyes on him, his brain stopped functioning properly. This wasn’t helping. At all. He needed something to avert his thoughts, something the two of you could do together until you managed to loosen up a bit. And not just you, he needed that as well.

And then? Russell had no idea what he would do then. Maybe the problem wasn’t how _you_ felt, but how _he_ felt about this situation. When he glanced down at his watch and saw what time it was, he quickly came up with an idea. It wouldn’t solve the problem, but it could start a conversation that was completely unrelated to the mission you’d just come back from.

By the time he returned to the living room, you were already sitting comfortably on the couch, reading a book he had left on the coffee table before he left months ago. “So… are you hungry?” he asked as he sat in the armchair next to you.

“I’m starving,” you replied without hesitation.

“Well, my fridge is obviously empty so maybe we should order something.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose and shook your head at this. Did he say something wrong? But then you let out a tired sigh and said, “Or I could go and buy a few things to cook proper dinner.”

“I’ll go,” he stated maybe a little too fast.

“Russ, I won’t run away, I promise.”

“What? No, that’s not what I meant. You’re my guest, this is the least I can do.”

You took a breath, ready to say something, but in the end, you remained silent. It was easy to tell your brain was in overdrive as you tried to figure out what to say or do. “In this case, can I go with you?”

It was his turn to be silent as he pointed a finger at himself. “With me?” he asked with a frown. Did you really want to go with him? That was… a good sign, right?

“Yeah,” you confirmed almost shyly. “But only if it’s not a problem.”

“No, it’s not, I’m just surprised.”

Letting out a sigh, you moved a little closer to him. “Look, if you wanted to kill me, you would have done it before we returned to the States. And Hudson knows I’m here so if anything happened to me, it would be obvious you have something to do with it. This means I’m not afraid of you, and maybe there is a chance you’re serious about this. That’s why I’m giving you an opportunity to prove me right.”

“Okay, I’m even more surprised now. I wasn’t expecting you to think about it this way,” he admitted.

“We’re adults, we need to know how to deal with stuff like that.”

“Alright, you’re now officially more mature than me I guess.”

“You would do the same thing at the end of the day.”

“No, trust me, I wouldn’t.”

Maybe he should have kept his mouth shut this time. He had pointed a damn gun at you not long ago, why did he have to say something like this? The point of you being here with him was proving he was better than that. But he had to relax. Russell decided to take a deep breath and try to calm down before saying anything else he would regret later.

For his surprise, though, you weren’t offended or hurt by his strange confession. In fact, you flashed a small smile at him then stood up. “Alright, let’s go shopping before we starve to death.”

He loved you. Yes, he was an idiot for thinking about you like that right now, but that was the truth. He loved you, he had loved you for a long time, and it was only at moments like this when he truly felt alive. How could you be such a nice person after everything that happened? Somehow he just couldn’t wrap his head around this one.

But then he picked up his jacket and left the apartment with you next to him. A simple round of grocery shopping felt strangely natural with you. The two of you were in sync when it came to deciding what you wanted for dinner, and finding the ingredients didn’t take much time either. It felt like you had been together for long enough to know what the other was thinking about. A part of him missed this side of your relationship.

Relationship... This wasn’t a relationship. He was merely trying to convince you to trust him again, which, knowing your background, wasn’t going to be an easy task, no matter how cool you acted around him. Still, he was happy to spend time with you. For outsiders, it might have seemed like you were just a normal couple doing perfectly normal things.

Then again it wasn’t a coincidence, after all, the two of you had been more than just friends before this last mission. You cooked dinner together before, you spent days together without leaving the apartment, and he missed those times. He missed you. And he hated what an emotional mess you turned him into.

Later that night, before he went to sleep, Russell couldn’t help but peek into your room. He tried to be as quiet as possible not to wake you, but he had to see if you were still there. The evening went smoothly, maybe too smoothly and he found it a bit alarming. Were you planning something? Could you be planning some kind of revenge for him trying to kill you? No, no, based on what he now knew about you, you weren’t like that. If you had wanted him dead, you would have done it without being sneaky.

Based on this, there was no question about it: you were just… nice. Maybe he just wasn’t used to this after spending so much time with the CIA. After everything that had happened in the past months, it was shocking that you were still being so nice to him. He had to keep you. Not in a possessive, against your will kind of way, of course, but as a girlfriend.

Letting out a sigh, he began to close the door but stopped when you suddenly began to scream as you sat up in your bed. You looked scared as if you had no idea where you were and what was happening around you. Whatever you dreamed about, it had to be intense. And bad. Could it be related to what he had done? What if it was and you now hated him for that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> adler is driving me crazy... || i’m sorry if this chapter didn’t make much sense 😅


	6. Don’t Leave Me Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicidal thoughts

“Bell, you okay?”

Russell sat on the edge of the bed and cautiously put a hand on your shoulder. This was the most he dared to do now and even that little gesture felt like he was intruding your personal space. Which he probably did by the way. But you didn’t push him away so for now he stayed like this.

Minutes passed in silence and without you even looking at him. He didn’t know what to do about this and how he should act around you. Should he say something? Should he ask if you wanted to leave? Then again, why would he ask that? As of now, he had no idea what this nightmare was about, maybe it wasn’t even related to him.

Before he knew it, you pushed his hand away and suddenly launched forward to pull him into a tight hug. It took him a few seconds to process what was happening, but once he understood what you were doing, he wrapped his arms around you. While a part of him was happy to have you this close, he also knew something was seriously wrong.

“Please, don’t leave me alone,” you murmured while you buried your face in the crook of his neck. “I–I can’t do this on my own.”

“Okay, I’m not going anywhere.” He put a hand on the back of your head, hoping this would make you feel safe. Soon he could tell you calmed down a bit, but you didn’t let him go just yet. “What’s wrong? What is it you can’t do alone?”

“Just… existing.” Russell had no idea what you meant by that so he let out a questioning hum, hoping you would elaborate. “It’s hard to explain it, but… I’ve been working for the CIA for so long that I don’t know what to do now. I mean, I know I don’t want to work for them again, this is why I agreed to enter witness protection, but the thought of it is terrifying. I would be on my own.”

So that’s what it was all about. Once he let out a sigh, he began to move his hand up and down your back in another attempt to calm you down. “I already told you that you can stay with me. I mean it, Bell,” he whispered into your hair.

“Yeah, but...”

“You don’t trust me?”

You shook your head and leaned back to finally look him in the eye. “It’s not that I don’t trust you. But they know what I did and they will come after me. I don’t want you to get hurt because of me,” you explained and your words surprised him. How could you still trust him after what he had done? If he was in your place, he definitely wouldn’t. “I know, I know, you can protect yourself, but I don’t think I could live with the thought of getting you injured, let alone killed.”

Russell opened his mouth to reply but quickly shut it. What was he supposed to say now? In his line of work, proper relationships never worked. Sure, he wasn’t happy about his ex-wife’s hoarding habit, but the problem was more serious than that, something that was related to his job. Because of him, she could have easily become a target and it often stressed him out. Was this how you felt now? If so, why?

That was a good question he simply couldn’t keep to himself. “Why, Bell? I… After I almost shot you back then, how can you still trust me, and how can you be worried about my safety?”

“Because of everything that happened between you brainwashing and trying to shoot me. I think the good memories outweigh the bad ones,” you explained as you buried a hand in his hair. “On the flight back from Germany I was still mad at you, but… I had time to think and after doing this job for long, no wonder we all get a little paranoid. You just wanted to make sure I don’t have the chance to turn on you later, that’s all.”

No, it wasn’t all, he knew it. “And? There has to be more to this.” Suddenly you got out of bed and headed straight out the door. With a frown, Russell followed you to the kitchen and silently watched as you poured yourself a glass of cold water. “Bell, talk to me. What’s going on?”

“Maybe it would have been better if you pulled the trigger before Alex could stop you,” you blurted out so casually that it honestly shocked him. “ _If_ I decide to stay with you instead of entering witness protection, can you promise me to finish what you started there?”

“You mean…”

“Yeah. I’m certain I would chicken out, but you… you could do it.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“Look, Alex wouldn’t do it, Frank wouldn’t do it because of Alex, Hudson would ignore me… You’re the only one I can trust with this,” you explained as if this conversation was perfectly normal. “I’m not asking you to do it right away, of course. We would have to plan everything so you could get rid of my body and hid–”

“Damn it, can you stop talking for a second?” Russell barked angrily, managing to make you fall silent right away. “I won’t do it. I won’t kill you, Bell. I want to make things better, not worse.”

“But you would make it better for me.”

He couldn’t help but let out a desperate laugh upon hearing this. Did you really think that would work on him? That he would kill you? “I’m selfish, and that would only be better for you, not me! I can try to fix you,” he informed you while he reached out to take your hand. “There has to be a way.”

“There’s no way, Russ!” With that, you pulled away your hand and refilled the glass. “Just… please, do this one thing for me,” you said quietly.

“No.”

“Fine, then I’ll leave and find someone who will do it.”

“What’s wrong with you? We had a nice and normal evening, what the hell went wrong?”

For a minute or two, you stayed completely silent and still, but Russell wasn’t worried because you were still there. The fact you didn’t pack your things and stormed out of his apartment meant there had to be a chance he could change your mind. But despite this, his heart was still racing. He didn’t really know how to deal with this and if you stayed there, he had to figure it out fast. The last thing he needed was you becoming brave enough to kill yourself with one of his guns.

“When I woke up,” you suddenly began, “it wasn’t a nightmare, it was something much better. I died in my sleep and it felt so good. It felt like I was finally free.”

“It was a dream, don’t be fooled by that feeling,” he warned you.

“But–”

“No buts, we’re not having this conversation. Just… try to go back to sleep.”

Oh, how he hated this. He sure sounded like his father. But apparently, this was what you needed, someone to be strict and tell you what to do. And right now, not letting you do anything stupid was the most important thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this... turned dark pretty fast. i swear this wasn’t part of the plan.


	7. Game On

You were well rested thanks to the sleeping pills Russell had given you the night before, but you were so drowsy when your eyes opened in the morning that you could barely get out of bed. It was a strange feeling, something different from the usual feeling before your first cup of coffee. You felt a little... empty. Void. Completely lacking the motivation to do anything.

Once you managed to stumble out of your room, you headed to the living room where Russell was already sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee in his hand. As you sat down next to him and pulled your knees up to your chest, he said, “I’m glad you could get some sleep, you look better than last night. How are you feeling?”

“I’m good,” you replied quietly then stopped to think about something. Oh, right. You were depressed, this is why you were so dead tired even after waking up. You hadn't felt like that since you first met Perseus. That meeting messed you up. “I haven’t really changed my mind though, but I’m willing to put that aside for now.”

“Meaning the problem isn’t solved. That doesn’t make me feel any better.” The moment you gave him an almost threatening look, Russell decided to back down for now. “Okay, you know what? Fine, let’s ignore it today and do something normal.”

“Define normal.”

“I don’t know. Having lunch somewhere, watching a movie… Something like that.”

Nodding, you grabbed his mug and took a sip of the coffee. You didn’t think caffeine would help, but taking his mug reminded you of how things had been before you found out the truth about him. It felt nice, and you were glad you were still able to experience something positive in life. Maybe Russell was right and leaving the apartment to do something normal would be good for you.

But what should you do? It was only nine in the morning therefore too early to even think about having lunch. Watching a movie was out of the question because you would surely fall asleep. What else could you do in the middle of the day? In your line of work you weren’t used to being able to do whatever you wanted at this time. Then you suddenly had an idea.

“How about bowling?” you asked eventually. When you saw how surprised he was, you shrugged with a small smile and went on, “The last time I did it was back in college. Can we do it?”

“Sure, why not? But let’s have lunch somewhere else because I need proper food, not the kind of crap they sell there,” Russell said with a laugh as he took back his mug from you.

The two of you didn’t do much before lunch, you mainly stayed on the couch and watched TV in silence. Something told you Russell was too afraid to talk to you now, and you couldn’t blame him to be honest. Even you wouldn’t know how to talk to yourself in this situation. Your thoughts kept returning to the memories of meeting Perseus. And then working with him. Becoming his little favorite. Having to watch your back all the time because many people wanted you dead so they could take your place.

No wonder the constant pressure of being good enough to be near him and get information without people finding out who you really were broke you eventually. Every single day you hoped it would end one way or another. There was a part of you that would have been okay if someone assassinated you. Well, it almost happened, but you got lucky and then Russell and the others stepped in.

Even though it was early afternoon on a weekday, there was a smaller crowd in the bowling alley. As it turned out there was some tournament under way, but the two of you got a lane in the end. “Do you know how to play?” a guy who worked there asked as he gave you your shoes.

You looked at Russell then shrugged. You had to grab a ball and make sure it knocked down all of the bowling pins. How hard could that be? But you decided to let him handle it because you didn’t feel like talking to strangers right now. “I think we’ll manage, thanks,” he said after a short pause.

“So you know the rules?” you asked while you put on those ugly, disgustingly used shoes.

Russell laughed as he shook his head. “I know the point is to knock down as many pins as you can. It’s not rocket science.” When you nodded, he gave you a concerned look. “Are you okay, Bell?”

“I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

The game turned out to be fun and you barely noticed how much time had passed. When your time was almost up, you decided to make things interesting and release the ball after a stylish swing. Which… wasn’t a good idea. Your fingers slipped out of the ball that landed on Russell’s foot. He didn’t yell, instead he cursed so loudly that a parent nearby literally put her hands on her daughter’s ears.

“Shit, shit, shit, I’m so sorry!” You sat down next to him and waited to finally hear what was wrong. Did you break his foot? What happened? Biting on your lower lip you watched as he took off the shoe. At least it wasn’t bleeding. “Is it broken?”

“I don’t know. Maybe we should go and see a doctor,” he told you once he let out a painful groan. “You know, I’ve been shot before, but this… This is definitely on the podium.”

You quickly brought him his shoes then helped him out of the building to catch a taxi. “So much for something normal, huh?”


	8. AU ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I had time to think, I realized I kinda lost interest in Mistakes Were Made because I regret writing it the way I did. This is an "AU ending", I'm not sure if I would have finished the story this way. From now on I’ll probably stick to one-shots based on tropes. Expect popular tropes like "There Is Only One Bed" with Adler, or "Undercover as Lovers" with Woods, and more!

Months passed before you finally realized you didn’t want any of this. You didn’t want Russell, you didn’t want to have any ties with the CIA, and you sure as hell didn’t want to give up your freedom. As long as Russell was around, your freedom was nonexistent. You never knew if he truly had romantic feelings for you, or if he was only acting like he did to keep an eye on you.

The change in your way of thinking came when someone from your past found you. It was someone from Perseus’ inner circle, someone who knew you had been his right hand for a while. Apparently, they needed someone to take his place at the top of the organization and you were the top candidate despite what happened. They had been watching you for a while and knew you weren’t happy. They probably knew you wanted to get out of this deal sooner than you did.

“Hey, Bell, what are you thinking about?” Russell’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts and you wondered how long he’d been talking to you. You looked over at him as you let out a questioning hum. “It seems like you’re not entirely here. What’s wrong?”

Forcing a small smile on your lips, you shook your head. “Nothing, I’m just a little tired,” you lied.

“You know you can talk to me, right?”

“Yeah, but I’m fine.”

Times like this you thought he had real feelings for you, but every time you quickly dismissed the thought. You couldn’t even begin to think about this now, not when you finally made up your mind. After talking to the person the organization had sent to get you, it became clear replacing Perseus was the only way you could hurt Russell as much as you wanted.

So you lied, told him you wanted to leave for a few days to finally meet an old friend from college, and he was okay with it since he was supposed to go on a mission anyway. Even though you never knew for sure with Russell, something told you he wasn’t suspecting a thing. That was good. The last thing you needed was him becoming suspicious and warning Hudson about it.

“Ready to leave?” your new friend asked you at the airport while you waited to board the plane with the help of the fake IDs he brought you. “There’s no turning back once we get there.”

You nodded. “I know, it’s okay. What I need is someone finding and bringing me Stitch as soon as possible. I’d like to discuss something we have in common, and I have a plan in mind for the two of us,” you explained then checked your watch. “Can you call someone so they can start working on this?”

“Sure, I’ll be right back,” he said before leaving.

Being the new Perseus would be hard and stressful, you knew it, but it was a good opportunity to get revenge. And they were right, you used to be one of the few he truly trusted and you knew how he thought about things. If anyone, you were more than capable of running the organization. And if they all would follow your orders like this one did, things could go just as smoothly as a walk in the park.


End file.
